PORN, VAGINA and PENIS PUMPS.........

First of all, I should explain the title.

  I was speaking with my sister on Skype the other day and she said if my blog contains words that people Google, it will get more hits. Perhaps this is just what I search for. The capital letters are just to make it look extra seedy. At time of writing my blog had 216 views. Let's watch that figure shoot up.


   Ok, so what's been going on? Well I've now officially left Melbourne and, indeed, Australia for the North Island of New Zealand. More specifically, Auckland. I've been here nearly two and a half weeks now and I have to say, New Zealand is beautiful. I've got alot to say about the last few weeks here, like where I've found myself living and what I'm now doing for work. But I'm going to save all of that for the next blogging session as I have some other stuff to get off my chest first.


    Before I left Australia I decided to squeeze in a gig at The Exford, a reknowned tough place to gig during the festival. I decided before I get up, to go on a couple of recon missions first to check out how tough it really is. I found the first time I went, a Tuesday night, that the audience were responsive and friendly. A good start. I went along on the next night and, again, they were quite a good audience. So on the Thursday I felt ready to get up and nail the gig. I didn't nail it. In fact, it would have been a better gig if I'd whopped out my willy and shown everyone just how far I can pull back my foreskin before it hurts. I fucked up jokes I can usually tell in my sleep and got heckled by some nonsensical drunk bitch covered from head to toe in random meaningless tattoos of roses and dragons and "Rock Chick" shit like that. I actually felt confident that I could handle a heckler (And I still believe that I can) but it's impossible to have a comeback to someone who's slurring drunken heckle is "I used to be white just like you, and I'm local to here".
   Needless to say it was a really horrible gig. At one point I asked someone in the audience what I had been talking about before I had to deal with the drunk girl, whose response was "Not a lot". Brilliant. Thanks for that. Fortunately, I wasn't the only person to have a bad gig. I do think I was the worst act of the night though which is a bit gash for me. A few very cool and positive things came from this gig though. Firstly, is that I have now officially performed in a festival show. "The After Party" is listed as a proper show on the festival website so I guess I can say that from now on. Why not? But here's the bad side. As a proper show, it gets reviewed by someone from The Herald Sun. I'm not 100% sure the reviewer came the night I was on but I am about 90% sure. And here's what he had to say, as stolen from their website:


 "THE After Party offers a combination of local and international talent as a handful of comedians take to the stage throughout the course of the show.

The advantage to this, of course, is that the audience can experience several different performances in one sitting, but unfortunately, despite the array of differing backgrounds and personalities, most of them failed to provide much to write home about.

Scottish funny-man David Heffron got the night off to a promising start, but it was mostly downhill from there.

Save the American emcee – who was funnier than most of the acts he introduced – the majority of the show was lacklustre, with genuine chuckles coming few and far between.

For some, their choice of attire got more laughs than their jokes, while the funniest moments for others came from their ability to embarrass the hecklers who apparently thought that the audience had come to see them.

That being said, headliner John Burgos was definitely worth the wait and it was a shame he was only on stage for such a short amount of time.
Bookending the show, he and Heffron were the obvious standouts and as far as free shows go, you could definitely do a lot worse."

    I don't remember a Scottish guy there the night I was there, but what can you do? You win some, you lose some.

   Now here's the coolest part of the night. I hung around after the show just chatting to a few people in the audience who had made it their mission to pity me with empty phrases like "You weren't that bad" and "I just think you're brave for doing it". I hadn't realised it, but apparently this is where some of the bigger comedians convene after a show to have a chat. One beer lead to another and before I knew it, I found myself at a table with Ava Vidal, Henning Wehn and, wait for it, Rich Hall from hit TV shows such as "Mock The Week" and "QI". That's right, I was chatting with the guy Moe from The Simpsons is actually based on, as if we were life long besties. Just chatting about how our shows went. You know, the kind of stuff us stars chat about.

(L-R) Me, my brother from another mother Rich hall and Aiden Pyne,
a Melbourne based comedian

 It was pretty cool. I'd say it was the very sweet and delicious icing on a really shitty cake. My only regret is that I was so drunk, I forgot to get him to add me on Facebook.

   So I'm here in Auckland now. I'm just about settled in our new "Home" and ready to source new gigs and ventures this side of The Tasman Sea. I'll check in again soon to explain the hovel we have found ourselves in. In fact, here's a teaser.......I had to go hunting last night. Ooooh you must be salivating with excitement to hear that story!
  
   Until then, keep on keeping on and spread the Gospel of Gorman (I just made that up but I like it).

     Peace to your Mother


                Sean

Henning Wehn, Who I Saw On Thursday Night. Top Show, See It If You Can...

Scouting Venues, Booking Gigs, and Being Hungover.........

Greetings,

    I come to you today feeling slightly worse for wear. I stayed up last night to watch the Six Nations game between England and France drinking with friends so forgive me if I don't bring my A- game to this post. I am, however, feeling much better. Mainly due to the plate of scrambled eggs, coffee and Berrocca I had about 20 minutes ago. My mood is also bouyed by the fact Channel 7 have decided to air the K-9 as their Sunday afternoon movie. I don't know about you but I think this film is a classic and demands more respect than it gets. I'd say it's up there with Turner and Hooch and Beethoven as the best dog based movie of all time. And, to bring me further joy, I have discovered that K-9 was written by none other than Under Siege's Steven Seagal. Who knew? But this isn't what I came to write about so I'll move on.


     As I mentioned before, I checked out M.I.B and Syn on Tuesday night. Then on Wednesday I was semi-planning to go and check out Deathstar to see if it was a room I could see myself playing in. Also, Rob, a friend from the workshop, was playing there so I was going to support him. As it turned out I was far too lazy and stayed at home so I still don't know what Deathstar is like. Perhaps this Wednesday I will go. I think I've just been putting it off because I can't see it being the best comedy or the friendliest crowd at a place called Deathstar. It's a bit like eating at a restaurant called "Mouldy", or getting a hooker from the "Aids Brothel". I guess there's only one way to find out though.


     However on Thursday, I did venture out to a venue I'd never been before call Monastery on Church. It's basically just a pub that runs an open mic night on Thursday nights. It's a bit out of the way so I don't think it's one of the bigger places to go. When I got there at about 8.30, the comedy had already started and had finished by about 9.40 so there aren't many acts on each night either. The audience was small but friendly enough, and the acts were mostly people who are in Melbourne for the upcoming Comedy Festival and they're just rehearsing or trying new stuff before they do it for real. It's not strictly a comedy night either, it's a generic open mic night so there were also two musical acts just playing and singing. To be fair, the guy who went on last and played the guitar was awesome and he did some great covers and had some really good original songs.
    I was really unsure as to whether I wanted to get myself a gig there because everyone there seemed to be a member of an exclusive club. The MC, the acts and the audience all seemed to be a little group of friends which is quite intimidating for an outsider to penetrate. But if there's one thing I'm good at, it's penetrating. So I booked myself a gig there for this Thursday. Mostly because I think it will be good practice and it doesn't really matter if I cock up because hardly anyone is there to see it. So that's another gig pencilled in and hopefully I can make some progress.


     I have also achieved a bit of a personal milestone. I have informed my parents and one of my friends that I have started doing stand up. It's one of my friends from rugby who thinks of himself as "One of the lads" so I was unsure whether he'd just take the piss or not. He probably will take the piss behind my back but that's expected of him. He was quite supportive to me though and told me he thought it was cool and was asking questions and showing general interest, so that was positive.
     I told my parents via email and have yet to hear back from them. They either haven't checked their mail or have disowned me. Time will tell. To be honest, they'll probably think it's a wind up until I show them the blog and the photos. I wouldn't blame them either. Why would their 25 year old, rugby playing, beer swilling, head-screwed-on son suddenly take to the stage and participate in the arts? Because I'm fucking hilarious, that's why.


     I also briefly mentioned that the Melbourne Comedy Festival is coming up. This will hopefully be a good chance to get out and see some really good established acts over the next month or so. I already have a little wish list of who I want to see. Reginald D.Hunter, Tommy Tiernan, Sammy J, Mark Watson and Ava Videl being just a few. Perhaps I'll try my hand at being a comedy critic too so I can report to you who is worth a watch. I'll keep you posted.


     So next time I post, I will have had another gig, been to another workshop and seen some more comedians so with any luck I'll have something good to report. But until then............


      Stay safe, buckle up, look both ways before crossing, don't do drugs, smoking kills, and take care,

                          Sean