PORN, VAGINA and PENIS PUMPS.........

First of all, I should explain the title.

  I was speaking with my sister on Skype the other day and she said if my blog contains words that people Google, it will get more hits. Perhaps this is just what I search for. The capital letters are just to make it look extra seedy. At time of writing my blog had 216 views. Let's watch that figure shoot up.


   Ok, so what's been going on? Well I've now officially left Melbourne and, indeed, Australia for the North Island of New Zealand. More specifically, Auckland. I've been here nearly two and a half weeks now and I have to say, New Zealand is beautiful. I've got alot to say about the last few weeks here, like where I've found myself living and what I'm now doing for work. But I'm going to save all of that for the next blogging session as I have some other stuff to get off my chest first.


    Before I left Australia I decided to squeeze in a gig at The Exford, a reknowned tough place to gig during the festival. I decided before I get up, to go on a couple of recon missions first to check out how tough it really is. I found the first time I went, a Tuesday night, that the audience were responsive and friendly. A good start. I went along on the next night and, again, they were quite a good audience. So on the Thursday I felt ready to get up and nail the gig. I didn't nail it. In fact, it would have been a better gig if I'd whopped out my willy and shown everyone just how far I can pull back my foreskin before it hurts. I fucked up jokes I can usually tell in my sleep and got heckled by some nonsensical drunk bitch covered from head to toe in random meaningless tattoos of roses and dragons and "Rock Chick" shit like that. I actually felt confident that I could handle a heckler (And I still believe that I can) but it's impossible to have a comeback to someone who's slurring drunken heckle is "I used to be white just like you, and I'm local to here".
   Needless to say it was a really horrible gig. At one point I asked someone in the audience what I had been talking about before I had to deal with the drunk girl, whose response was "Not a lot". Brilliant. Thanks for that. Fortunately, I wasn't the only person to have a bad gig. I do think I was the worst act of the night though which is a bit gash for me. A few very cool and positive things came from this gig though. Firstly, is that I have now officially performed in a festival show. "The After Party" is listed as a proper show on the festival website so I guess I can say that from now on. Why not? But here's the bad side. As a proper show, it gets reviewed by someone from The Herald Sun. I'm not 100% sure the reviewer came the night I was on but I am about 90% sure. And here's what he had to say, as stolen from their website:


 "THE After Party offers a combination of local and international talent as a handful of comedians take to the stage throughout the course of the show.

The advantage to this, of course, is that the audience can experience several different performances in one sitting, but unfortunately, despite the array of differing backgrounds and personalities, most of them failed to provide much to write home about.

Scottish funny-man David Heffron got the night off to a promising start, but it was mostly downhill from there.

Save the American emcee – who was funnier than most of the acts he introduced – the majority of the show was lacklustre, with genuine chuckles coming few and far between.

For some, their choice of attire got more laughs than their jokes, while the funniest moments for others came from their ability to embarrass the hecklers who apparently thought that the audience had come to see them.

That being said, headliner John Burgos was definitely worth the wait and it was a shame he was only on stage for such a short amount of time.
Bookending the show, he and Heffron were the obvious standouts and as far as free shows go, you could definitely do a lot worse."

    I don't remember a Scottish guy there the night I was there, but what can you do? You win some, you lose some.

   Now here's the coolest part of the night. I hung around after the show just chatting to a few people in the audience who had made it their mission to pity me with empty phrases like "You weren't that bad" and "I just think you're brave for doing it". I hadn't realised it, but apparently this is where some of the bigger comedians convene after a show to have a chat. One beer lead to another and before I knew it, I found myself at a table with Ava Vidal, Henning Wehn and, wait for it, Rich Hall from hit TV shows such as "Mock The Week" and "QI". That's right, I was chatting with the guy Moe from The Simpsons is actually based on, as if we were life long besties. Just chatting about how our shows went. You know, the kind of stuff us stars chat about.

(L-R) Me, my brother from another mother Rich hall and Aiden Pyne,
a Melbourne based comedian

 It was pretty cool. I'd say it was the very sweet and delicious icing on a really shitty cake. My only regret is that I was so drunk, I forgot to get him to add me on Facebook.

   So I'm here in Auckland now. I'm just about settled in our new "Home" and ready to source new gigs and ventures this side of The Tasman Sea. I'll check in again soon to explain the hovel we have found ourselves in. In fact, here's a teaser.......I had to go hunting last night. Ooooh you must be salivating with excitement to hear that story!
  
   Until then, keep on keeping on and spread the Gospel of Gorman (I just made that up but I like it).

     Peace to your Mother


                Sean

Ian Bagg. Another comic I had the pleasure of seeing.......

Comedy Show Bonanza and A Landmark......

Right,

     Before I get down to the nitty-gritty I just want to mention a personal blogging landmark that, when I started writing, I had no idea if I'd reach. Since my last post (and last time I checked) the number of views of my blog has crept over 200! I've done a bit of math, and from what I can see, either the three people that follow this blog have viewed it 66.6666667 times each, or other non-followers have browsed on, read it and decided it's not for them. I'm not sure what's worse, sixty-six point something pity views from your friends or strangers reading it and deciding it's poo. Oh well.
   I'm pretty sure I would have reached this landmark on about day 3 of blogging if I hadn't clicked the little button that says "Don't count my own views", but here's to hoping for 500 views in the future. And perhaps we can pick up a few new followers on the way.


    Onto business now.

     As I said last week, I scored free tickets to watch a couple of shows last Thursday and I was pleasantly surprised. First up was Henning Wehn's show My Struggle, which I went to watch on my own because I couldn't find anyone who was free to come with me, and I'm not one to turn down free tickets just because I might look like a loser. It took me a while for it to click, but the name of his show is frickin' funny. He's a German comic, so if you don't get why it's funny, google anything to do with "My Struggle" and Germany and see what comes up. I think it's a pretty ballsy title so I like it.
     Despite the fact there were only ten audience members, it was a really funny show and one I would recommend seeing. With more people watching, there would have been a totally different atmosphere and made it a real success. But it was only a preview show so I don't think many people were expected to watch. There was also a really nice touch at the end of the show as well, because he waited outside, shook everyones hand as they left and gave them a signed copy of his DVD from last year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival. I thought he was a really nice guy with a really good show.


      Immediately after that, I met my girlfriend in the foyer (who happened to be stood talking to Ava Vidal after meeting her in the toilets..... women!) and we went and watched Ian Bagg's show. He was totally different. Still a really funny show but a totally different prospect. He's got a real talent for being sharp and quick witted and his whole show was basically talking to each and every member of the audience, asking them a mix basic questions and questions you can't answer without looking like a fool (Like "Where is the best place for anal sex?"), and pointing out how they have made themselves look stupid. One member of the audience proudly stated that he hadn't had kids because there were "too many short curlies". No-one really knew what he meant by that but it was funny.
    I think the best thing about this show is the fact you could watch him several times and none of the shows would be the same. But there's no point seeing him unless you are willing to participate.

   So that was Thursday night. Pretty successful if I do say so myself.

   Then on Monday night I went and checked out the open mic at The Exford. Maybe I was there on a particularly tame night but it was a pretty friendly crowd. It got a bit rowdy towards the end but it always will when people have had a few drinks. The line-up was also a pretty diverse and good one. There was a sketch show on and comics from Australia, Ireland and Scotland, some of whom have shows on at The Festival. It has filled me with confidence that I could get up and have a go without being heckled out of the room so I'm going back tonight on my second recon mission before I give it a go maybe tomorrow or Friday night.


     Then, finally, I went with a few chums to watch Ava Vidal at Chapel on Chapel last night. I actually thought her show was the best one I've seen out of the three. I think my favourite joke was when she said she would never sexually assault any of her kids because she isn't a "chubby chaser". She talked a lot about her time living in Africa and time spent in the Middle East which, on occasion got a bit too political for my simple mind to follow but she was very funny. Another show I would recommend.
    It's really hard to choose which show to go and watch at the Melbourne Comedy Festival, especially because there are over 200 shows going on, on any one night. Plus the standard of the shows range from terrible to bloody amazing so a lot of research has to go in before you see anyone unless you're willing to take a leap of faith. But if you happen to be around at any Comedy Festival, anywhere, go and watch something because it will make your day.


     So in summary, I've seen three really good shows and scouting the Exford as a potential venue for myself. I'm going back tonight and may even get up depending how I feel. I may also see another show tonight before the open mic but I don't know yet. But check back in a couple of days and I'll let you know how it all went.

        Bye for now,

Henning Wehn, Who I Saw On Thursday Night. Top Show, See It If You Can...

A Couple Of Nice Surprises........

Dudes and Dudettes,


     I haven't felt the need to blog twice in one week in some. After all, this is a blog about the stand up comedy scene and me trying to crack it, if nothing happens, why write? But this week has re-sparked what was a dwindling impetus to carry on.
    First of all, I made the journey to the workshop on Tuesday and was pretty pleased to see there was only about 5-10 people there. I've decided I enjoy it a lot more when it isn't too busy. Plus the couple of people that always seem to get up weren't there so it was nice to see some new guys try stuff out. However the best thing about the workshop was the fact that I learned that The Exford Hotel, in the city, hosts an open mic night EVERY SINGLE NIGHT throughout the comedy festival. And, to make it even better, you don't need to book your spot weeks in advance. You can just rock up and hopefully get on. I thought I had done my last gig in Australia. Man, was I wrong. One of the guys told me that last year he did sixteen gigs at The Exford during the festival. That's twice as many gigs in three weeks than I've done in four months. So if I can do maybe five there, I will see that as a success. I have heard though, that it's a seriously tough crowd and you'll find out if you really have what it takes once you've gigged there during the festival. I even heard a guy got stabbed there last year. I don't mind a bit of heckling but I think a stabbing is a bit overboard. I'll have to remember my stab vest.


      And the bestest best thing to come from the workshop, was that someone pulled a no-show for their gig and I managed to blag myself a spot. Like I said, I didn't think I would have another gig in Australia so I hadn't so much as looked at my set in the last two or three weeks. I felt really under prepared but also really motivated because I wanted it to go better than my last pitiful attempt at M.I.B. I spent about an hour back stage reading through my notes and watching recordings of previous performances to try and get it to sink in. And I just about achieved it.
   It wasn't my best gig. I still believe my best gig was the last time I did Syn. But this one was infitately better than M.I.B. I got some pretty good laughs considering the size of the audience so I was happy. This was also the first gig I feel I can learn something positive from. For instance, I now know my set needs tightening up for a start. There are points where I try and keep the audience's laughter ticking over with some chuckle worthy lines, but they just don't seem to be getting even a chuckle. I think it's time I cut some of them out and replaced them with proper jokes.
   Also, less importantly, this gig means I have performed at The Comic's Lounge, M.I.B, Syn Bar, Monastery on Church, and now, Blah Blah Comedy Club. Not a bad haul considering 6 months ago I had no intention of doing this.


     And finally, earlier this afternoon I purchased tickets to see Ava Vidal's show on Tuesday night. I'm looking forward to seeing it because she's very funny from what I've seen so far. But, more interestingly, while I was buying the tickets the manager of the venue asked if I liked comedy. I said "Yes, funny you should ask while I'm currently purchasing tickets to see a comedy show, I do". He went on to explain that two other comedians were doing shows at the venue and were doing preview shows tonight (31.03.11), that hadn't sold out and the comedians want to do their previews in front of full audiences, so did I want some free tickets to see two shows tonight for absolutely nothing. "Fuck yes!" I said in a slightly more polite way. So for $35, I have two tickets to Ava Vidal on Tuesday, two tickets to Henning Wehn tonight at 7pm and two tickets to Ian Bagg tonight at 8.30pm. How good is that?!
     So I'm going to have tonnes to report on next week. Hopefully all good news.


   As much as I'd love to continue chatting, the show starts in 45 minutes and I am in desperate need of a shower so must go.

                     Lovely hearing from you again.


                                              Sean

Jason Manford at The Apollo, I Love This Guy......

Departure Date Approaching.....

     Ok, the title's a bit of a lie. I still haven't actually booked any flights to leave Melbourne yet so I have no idea when my departure date is. I do, however need to be out of the country by the 24th April due to my visa expiring, so it's not a complete lie.


      I also feel the need to apologise for not keeping this blog totally up to date over the last few weeks. It has basically been a combination of my internet playing silly buggers with me and me not actually having attended any form of stand up in the last 10 days or so.
    I didn't even go to the workshop on Tuesday as I flew out to Adelaide to see an old chum. Be honest though, who would've wanted to read another paragraph about another workshop anyway? There was a faint hint of me getting a last minute gig if I'd of gone but what can you do? I'll go this Tuesday and see how we go from there. And like I said, my internet decided to shit itself and I couldn't even do the lazy thing of putting a video on the blog. But all is sorted (for now) and thankfully we can continue our journey together.


     So what have I been doing?

    Good question. Thanks for asking. Well my 8 hour a week job picture framing has now been cut to 4 hours a week. Yes, it means the small amount of money I was earning has now been halved, but it does free up another four hours a week to stream old episodes of 30 Rock and Gavin and Stacey. Productive. I am a step closer to cracking New Zealand though. I have applied for my Working Holidy Visa and done some research into where I can find open mic nights in Auckland. It's a very small step, but a step closer none-the-less.
     At the moment I have found a whopping two venues in Auckland that host open mic nights. I'm sure there are more but I will have to look into it further before drawing any conclusions.


     I also attended the first AFL game of the season at the MCG on Thursday night. AFL is Aussie Rules Football for anyone who doesn't know. And man, that is one fucked up sport!
    I would have to describe it as a mix of soccer, volleyball and rugby, played by men dressed as basketballers where two teams run around hitting the ball to each other with their hands or kicking it to each other, while trying to ultimately kick it through a set of posts to score some points. Everything else seems to be impossible to understand and, frankly, irrelevant in the outcome of a game.
    I do think the Australians have missed a trick though. Why stop at just creating one new sport by combining three others? I think there are unlimited options to creating new sports from merging old ones if that's all it takes. What about Aussie Rules Cricket-Fishing-Darts. Where one team throws a fish toward the other teams stumps, the batting side have to hit the fish as far as possible with a bat to score runs, and instead of trying to catch the fish, the bowling team have to throw darts at it. If a dart sticks in the fish before it hits the ground, the batter is out.      
   Or what about Aussie Rules Powerpainteering. Where two teams go orienteering by power-walking through a forest with paintball guns. Each team can win by either reaching all of the orienteering points first, or by eliminating every member on the other team by shooting them as you see them. All the while remembering that it's instant disqualification if you ever break into a jog. Oh, and it might be funnier if it were a naked sport. Just a thought.


     As you can see, I have way too much time on my hands at the moment and, frankly, I'm looking forward to getting somewhere new where my mind is stimulated beyond inventing new sports.

    So my next update will be next week when I've attended a workshop. Again, there is a slim chance of getting a gig but don't hold your breath. Firstly because it's unlikely I'll get a gig but secondly because I might not blog until mid-week and that's a long time to hold your breath and there's a chance you would die. And that is something I don't want on my hands.
     I'm not 100% sure but it can't be too long until Syn opens up again at a new location. When they shut they said they would find a new location within a couple of weeks so let's hope I can get a gig there before I leave.


     Until next time, my friends, look after yourselves. And one another.

                 One World. One Love.
                                       Sean